Trying to cope.

I really have no place to vent except for here. I think A. can only take so much of my grief. I know he's grieving too and I can't expect to pile it all on him. I don't think alot of people will understand the pain that I'm going through right now. I cry all the time. I don't know what to do with my days. It hurts so much to live right now. I'm so sorry for what I'm putting Aria through. She's suffering because I'm not a great mother to her right now. She needs my attention and I just can't seem to pull it together for her. She wants me to play with her but I can't seem to muster up the power. When's the pain going to subside?
I've been going online alot to search for answers. I've found sites about PROM and sites to cope with miscarriages but damnit, they're not helping. I posted today on craigslist forum and the three replies that I got told me that miscarriages are out of my hands and my doctors hands and "that almost all miscarriages are caused by an abnormality in the embryo that makes it not viable." B/S, I know that I or my doctor could have done something differently early on to save Spencer. I should have taken the 1st trimester bleeding more seriously. I think I need to see a shrink.
I am seeing on OBGYN tomorrow for my 2 weeks post D & C appointment. A. wrote me a bunch of questions to ask. I've got some too. Hopefully she can give me the answer to why Spencer died. I secretly doubt that she will. Even if she does, my Spencer will never come back. It's too late.

Urn shopping.

It is one of the most difficult things that I have ever done but it has to be done. The funeral home didn't have much of a selection so we opted not to buy an urn from them. The only way I know how was to go online. I did a search for 'infant urn' and sites popped up. God, everything looked so ugly or over the top. I just want something simple and beautiful. No, I don't want a freakish ceramic shoe or teddy bear or ugly ass circular urns that scream 'look I'm an urn'.
I eventually found a pretty basic wooden walnut rectangular urn online. People are shopping online new for Christmas presents for their loved ones. I'm shopping for an urn for my dead baby boy. God, I'm cynical right now, sorry.

Searching...

I desperately need some answers. I want to know why this happened. Was it me? Was it my body? Did I eat or do something that harmed my baby? What could I have done differently? Did I have a Incompetent Cervix? What is wrong with me? Why me?

I'm searching the web daily just trying to see why this happened. I don't want to go through this again if I become pregnant again. I don't think I can handle it.

Sudden end.

I lost my baby born on Wed., Dec. 13th at 12:06 AM. I think of him as my baby boy even though I was only 20 weeks and 4 days into my pregnancy with him. I loved him and his passing was so unexpected. I had a doctor's appointment earlier in the day on Dec. 12th. My OBGYN checked my baby's size and heartbeat and told me that he was fine, but she became concern when she saw a blood clot the size of a walnut and when I told her about a frequency of fluid discharges. She sent me to see my specialist and that's when it all went downhill. My specialist told me that I was leaking amniotic fluid, that there was a tear in the sac that holds my baby. I was sent back to see my OBGYN and she told me that there was a slim possibility that it will seal, a 5 - 10% chance. I remember seeing a similar case on T.V. where this happened to a woman carrying twins and her tear healed and she delivered healthy babies. I had faith that I would in that 10% where the tear will seal. A., Aria and I went home and I went right to bed to rest after eating a quick meal. I started feeling cramping pains around 9:30 PM and I tried to will them away. I thought maybe it was the milk that I had that was making me feel uncomfortable. Maybe I was just constipated. The pain started to get worst but I still refuse to believe that anything was wrong. Eventually, A. grew really worried and convinced me to go to the hospital. We got there around 10:30 PM. I really didn't realize that I was having a miscarriage until I was in the hospital room when the nurse told me that she can feel the baby's foot when she checked me. A part of me thought that he'll be okay even when I was in pain. I wanted to have him so badly. I thought that everything was normal. I thought the bleeding and the leaking of fluids was part of a normal pregnancy. Little did I know that it was the amniotic fluid leaking from my body and slowly killing my baby. The nurses inserted an IV in my arm and gave me some medicine to dull the pain. My OBGYN arrived shortly and she gave me more medicine ( I don't know what). The med. overtook me quickly and I was in a haze. I felt like sleeping and I was hallucinating. The doctor told me to push but in my state I screamed no, I want to keep him in. I think part of me was thinking that if he's inside me still, he'll survive. I don't know how long the whole process was but eventually I mustered the nerves to push and he was out of me. I never heard a cry from him. The medication didn't help because I felt like I wasn't quite there. I overheard the nurses ask A. if we have a name for him and A. said 'Spencer'. The doctor asked A. if he wants her to do chromosomal test on Spencer and A. said no. I wanted to tell him otherwise, that I want to know if he was normal, but I was too drugged up to say anything. I want to know if my body killed a perfectly normal healthy baby. Now it's too late to find out if he was chromosomal healthy.
I spent a night at the hospital and left around 3:30 PM the next day. A. and Aria came to visit and to stay with me from 11:00 AM and on. I was so alone in the morning until they arrived. I felt so empty and hollow.
I have to write this down, no matter how painful so I don't forget. I want him to know that I miss him tremendously and that he was very important to me.
The next couple of days afterwards were blurs. A. took three days off of work to be with me and Aria. During that time we went to a funeral home and did the necessary paper works to get Spencer cremated. Because he was born after the 20 weeks mark, he needs a death certificate and he must be buried or cremated by the law, yet he was too young to be counted as viable to be saved at the hospital. So ironic.
We also hit the local mall (trust me, I didn't want to be around people but A. insisted that we go) to do his Christmas shopping for his family and also to go to Things Remembered to see if they have a nice box with a lock to put Spencer's ashes in. The salesperson would come over and ask if she can help and I had to bite my tongue to not blur out, 'Yes, can you find me an container that will make a great urn for my dead baby boy?" We didn't find anything there so we left and shopped for all of A.'s relatives. Everywhere I look I spotted pregnant mothers and infants. I hate life. Yes, I'm bitter and angry. I'm angry with myself for killing my baby and angry with myself for not doing a better job of trying to save him. I failed.
I have to write this all this down, no matter how painful so I don't forget. I want Spencer to know that I miss him tramendously and that he was very important to me. He will never be forgotten.

More doubts.

I got some bad news from my doctor this morning, my AFP test results came back pretty high ( 1 in 128 chance of the baby getting Spina Bifida) and she recommended me to have the amino done. I called my specialist and after numerous callbacks, I finally got one scheduled for next Friday. I really feel like I'm in a revolving door with all my doctors. I'm also really nervous of having the amino done. First off, I'm scared of needles, secondly this can lead to a miscarriage. Also the result is not instantanious. I'll probably have to wait a week before I find out the results. What if the result comes back positive?? More decisions to be made... I'm scared in general. This is one testing pregancy. Damn, I'm going to start crying all over again. The uncertainty is killing me.

Another doctor's visit.

I saw my doctor just now to check to make sure the baby is fine. She told me yes, the baby looks good. Then she told me that I had a bladder infection. That may be the reason for my discomfort and bleeding. It's not definite why it's not happening. She prescribed me two different medicine and send me on my way. I have to see her again next week. Geez I see her alot.

Interrupted Monday Night

I wasn't feeling to hot last night. I had a long day of taking Aria to Mommy & Me, then a YMCA class, then lunch and back to the Y for another class. Let's just say I'm sick of the Y. It's a new schedule that I'm trying out and it's draining. Well, towards the evening during dinner and after a shower I was getting symptoms of menstral cramps and back pain. I've had pressure down there almost all throughout this pregnancy but never menstral cramp-like feeling. I saw that I was bleeding/spotting more and A. was freaking out so I called my OBGYN and she told me to go to the Labor & Delivery floor at the hospital. This is around 9:30 PM and we got to the hospital a half an hour later. We had to bring Aria with us since we don't really have any help close to us and she fell right asleep as we pulled up to the hospital. Once we got to the second floor, a nurse told me to change into a gown and we were about to hear the baby's heartbeat. He was fine. Then Nurse Dorie hooked me up to a device to monitor my contractions. The news was great. I wasn't haven't contractions just some discomforts. She told me that if I was having a miscarriage this early in the pregancy that there is basically nothing they can do to save the baby. Until the baby is at least 24 weeks, a miscarriage will automatically lead to the death of the fetus. Even if he was born at 24 weeks, his chance of being healthy and normal is slim. She did tell me that between 30 - 35% of pregant women go through spotting during their pregancy and have healthy babies. Let's hope I'm in that bracket.
After a half an hour we were sent home and told to see my OBGYN today. I think I'm feeling better today. I just hope the baby stays put for another 20 weeks.

week 19

I saw regular OBGYN a couple of days again and I mentioned to her that I've been bleeding/spotting for the last week. She checked me and told me that outside cervix is currently opened 1 cm but thankfully the inside part of the cervix is closed. I was confused until she told me that the opening of the cervix is shaped like a cylinder and the major concern is with the inside opening. I was alittle relieved but I'm still worried. I question why all this is happening to me with my second pregnancy. Nothing like this happened when I carried Aria. I was so active when I was pregnant with her. She said that this is common for women going through their second pregnancy. She, however could not explain why I was bleeding. I guess I just want hard core data on why this is going on and what I can do to prevent the bleeding. Well, I have to see her again next week so she can monitor my cervix. Thankfully the baby's heartbeat is there and it's good. Oh, the also drew blood for a AFP test. I've been ordered to take it easy and not do anything strenuous. That means my planned evening outing to the L.A. Zoo is out. A.'s taking Aria by himself. I'm going to miss out on the fun.