The grass is greener...

While at my local discount store today (san Aria, she was in preschool), I ran into my favorite cashier Patty there. She's currently 8 months pregnant and is expecting a boy. I haven't seen her since before my miscarriage so she was surprised to find out that I was no longer pregnant. I can't help but feel envious of her healthy pregnancy. I'm happy for her and all but I so wish that I was the one who is pregnant still. She didn't seem thrilled about having another baby let alone a baby boy. She already have 2 older boys. I know she's not in a good financial situation to have another child. She didn't seek prenatal care until 4 months into her pregnancy and she told me that she fell 3 times while at home and had to go to the ER after one of the falls. Patty also told me she's not ready for this baby and that she rather have a girl. Grrrrr.... she's so lucky. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have a healthy baby inside her and to carry that baby to full term. I wish I was so lucky.

Research

I borrowed a couple of books from the library and I just finished reading Preventing Miscarriage The Good News by Dr. Jonathan Scher. Great book. Very helpful info. I highly recommend this book to anyone who's thinking of getting pregnant or is currently pregnant.
My next book to read is How to Choose The Sex Of Your Baby by Dr. Landrum B. Shettles. The librarian who helped me look up the book in the library's system actually scoffed when I told him the title. Well, we'll see if this works. Must have better odds than the Lunar Chinese Calendar. That predicted that Spencer would be a girl. Wrong.

First of many.

Well, I've finally found some high-risk OBGYNs that deliver at the hospital where I had Spencer. I'm going to see one tomorrow morning. I'm almost not sure if I'm jumping the gun here by going to a consultation when I'm not even pregnant yet. I pray that I can get pregnant again. With my luck I might never be pregnant again. It's kinda ironic how I got pregnant with Spencer by accident (a happy one of course) and now, after loosing Spencer, I really, really, really want to get pregnant and I don't know if I can. I'm so scared to journey down the whole pregnancy road again so soon but if I don't try I might miss my window of opportunity. I'm not young anymore and realistically I only have a few more years to get pregnant. The chances of having a healthy child gets slimmer and slimmer. It's so scary looking at charts on women's age and chromosomal issues.
I was talking to my friend Julie last night and we were comparing pregnancy stories. She's is such a sweetheart. She actually cried when I told her about my miscarriage with Spencer. She also had a miscarriage so she can totally relate to my pain. One key thing that I noticed when we were talking was that she mentioned how she felt no nausea when she was carrying her first child. That pregnancy lead to a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I told her that I didn't get any nausea when I was carrying Spencer. I've read about how having nausea during pregnancy is a good thing because it means that the hormone levels of the pregnancy are adequate. Makes me wonder if my body harmed Spencer somehow. Yeah, yeah, I'm still blaming myself. No, I'm not going to stop doing that, at least not for a while.
Before I forget, I was walking to a store with my friend Kathleen today and we were talking about something and I mentioned Spencer by his name and she said 'you gave him a name.' I said yeah, I had to, because they needed a name for the death certificate. She said, no, you used his name instead of saying 'the baby'. Hmm.... yeah I did. Maybe I'm getting better at dealing with his passing. I don't know....

On the hunt.

I been on the search for a high-risk pregnancy doctor for a while now. Google searching hasn't helped me at all. I've been asking friends and other moms from my local moms group but really haven't gotten alot of referrals just because none of them had high-risk pregnancies. Ideally I would like to deliver at Cedar Sinai hospital in Beverly Hills again but we live too far now to make that viable. I liked the hospital where I delivered Spencer (Encino-Tarzana) so I'm searching for a high-risk doctor who will deliver there. I finally found 4 by calling a search engine offered through the hospital and I made an appointment to see one of them next month. That doctor is actually located in the same building as my current OBGYN. God, I wonder if things would have been different if I had gone to this doctor to begin with. Right, right, stop thinking about the 'what ifs'. Well, I'm kinda nervous about seeing him. It's a totally new ball game now. I'm worried that he's going to tell me that I might have infertility issues along with the fact that I'm high-risk. I'm also scared to get back on the journey of trying to get pregnant. I hope I click with him but I guess I should interview other high-risk doctors too. This hunt for a new OB sure isn't a fun one.

Dad on wheels.

A.'s birthday is coming up soon (this Sunday!). I feel so bad because I haven't prepped for it at all. I just ordered a gift yesterday and that's not going to arrive until after his birthday. He already knows what it is because I asked him beforehand if he would actually use it if I got it for him. Yip, no surprise for him at all. I ordered him a pair of Heelys.

Heelys are a brand of sneakers that have one or more wheels embedded in each sole . Thus, the wearer can walk, run, or - by shifting their weight to their heels - roll. The process of lowering the front section of rear foot, gently, will increase friction and will slow the wheel to a stop. The wheel can easily be removed from the shoe, which may be done for comfort reasons or for reasons of practicality or security.

I couldn't think of anything else to get him because he's pretty hard to shop for. He basically goes and buys what he wants, when he wants ie: computer games.

I thought this year I could give him the son that he always wanted but that's not going to happen now. Okay, okay, I'm being synical again. I gotta let up.

New purchase.

We bought a car today. Well it's an old new car. The primary driver will be A. since he's going to use it to go back and forth from work. We'll use it as a family on weekends. I'm going to get A.'s old car. I'm cool with that since I mainly go local now anyways. I hope we made the right decision in purchasing this car versus another one. It was a pretty reasonable deal.
Today while at the dealer's office, I was sitting in a chair cradling Aria who was still napping. I couldn't help but think of what the situation would have been like if I was still pregnant with Spencer. I would be holding 2 babies instead I was only holding Aria. That thought made me hold her even tighter.

Running...

I've started running again this week. Well, it's really more like light jogging. A friend who lives 3 blocks away is doing it with me. We start running at the break of dawn (6:30 AM) and would run for about half an hour. Today is the second time this week that we've hit the pavements and already I can feel my endurance level rising. Today's run was way better than our first run a couple of days again. My body was screaming 'NO MORE!' the first time out. Today, it was more of a mild 'is it over yet?'. Boy, it sure miss the days when I can run 3 miles like it was nothing. I hope we can keep this up so that I can drop at least 10 lbs. This way I can at head into the possibility of getting pregnancy with a healthier body. I've gained nothing from my pregnancy with Spencer except 15 lbs. Sucks. Don't know about my mental state, no easy fix there.
I hope we can keep up with this running routine. Having my friend as a partner definitely helps more than doing it solo. I'm such a procastinator that I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed, especially that early. What's crazy is I have this block of free time to myself in the mornings now. I get home from my run around 7:15 AM and both Aria and A. are still asleep. Now I can do errands, surf the web or watch even more t.v.

Another death in the family.

What a day. Another death in the family, this time it's not as significant, it's my car. My little Toyota Tecel has bite the dust this morning. Well she can start up but refuse to stay that way. I was making a right into the street where Aria's preschool is located when my little car stated to slow down. I had the notion to pull over and then it just stopped moving. (sob) Thank god for AAA. They towed my car to a mechanics. I had to pull Aria out of school after only spending 40 mins. in class. Then we spent the morning waiting for the diagnostic before being delivered the bad news that the engine had cyliner problems. I don't completely understand except for the fact that it'll take big bucks and many, many days to fix. I called A. and we decided to simply have the car towed back to our house. We're not going to fix it because A) it's not worth fixing, will be better to just get another new (old) car. B) The mechanic is really far from our house. C) We're poor.
I'm going to miss that car. It was the first car that I've ever purchased on my own. I made many vital trips with it. When we bought this house, I would make so many moving trips from the new house to the old. It was Aria's first form of transportation. I would carry great yard sale finds back with it. I remember the time that we purchased a Little Tikes log cabin for $20 and we strapped the cabin on top of my Tercel. What a sign coming down the street. I remember people pointing and chuckling. Hey, it did the trick. A. used it to transport home our large color T.V. It wouldn't fit in his car but it did in my little Tercel. I even brought Spencer home with this car. It's currently sitting in front of the house, dead. Now we gotta go car shopping or rent a car or something. Geez. Will the bad news ever stop???

Insomnia

I can't sleep. It's 2:45 AM, Aria and I have a Mommy & Me class at 9:00 AM and for the life of me I can't fall asleep. I lay in bed, with my eyes closed thinking of Spencer and the future that can never be. I miss him so. I know I'm not alone but I'm so lonely right now.
I ponder about which hospital I should go to when I get pregnant again and whether or not I should see the same OBGYN that I had last. I think about the distance from our house to Cedar-Sinai and wonder if I can tolerate a hour drive on way to see my pass OB. The stupid part of all this is that I'm not even pregnant! I might never be pregnant again. How can I try to conceive another child when I want Spencer back so badly.
Regular school starts up again this week and I dread going back to my Mommy & Me class because there are 2 pregnant women in my class who are due the same time that I was suppose to deliver Spencer. I think they're both having boys. I can't bear to witness their growing bellies while my belly is deflated and barren. I'm not whole. When will I be able to cope?? I'm really considering just quitting that class all together. I guess that's one way of dealing with it. I'm also dread having to tell all moms in my local mom's group about my miscarriage. Most of don't know yet. I only told the ones who I consider 'good friend'. Why do I care what others think if they're not good friends? I guess I don't want to hear all the 'oh, I'm sorry for your loss.', the 'well, you can try again.' crap. Also, I'm secretly envious of the fact that most of them can have a successful pregnancy while I can't.


It's now 5:01AM and I'm still on the computer. I've just been surfing the web, killing time. I really should get to bed but I'm worried that I won't wake up in time for class. Augh.

Some closure.

A., Aria and I went to the mortuary and picked up Spencer's ashes today. A. brought along his urn hoping the workers there will transfer Spencer's ashes into it. Once there though, I told A. that I would rather do it myself than have the worker there do it. He was my son for goodness sakes, I rather do it than have a stranger do it. The guy who brought Spencer's ashes out to us was really talkative and kept on taking to us once he gave us Spencer's ashes. Geez, let me go home with my son's ashes please. I walked away and entertained Aria while he talked to A. about his vacation to China last year, blah, blah, blah.
Once we got home A. and I transfered Spencer's ashes to the wooden urn that I bought. There wasn't much of him but I'm still glad that he's home with us. I miss him and I'll think of him daily.

Snail mail.

Spencer's death certificate came in the mail today via the U.S. Postal Service. I had to sign for it. I didn't know. It was addressed to A. and I didn't find out about it until he arrived home from work. God it looks so formal with the words 'Certificate of Fetal Death' printed on the top.
We're going to pick up Spencer's ashes this Sunday as a family. I don't know how to deal.

Goodbye 2006.

Here's hoping that 2007 will bring great things and blessings vs. 2006.