On this day...

I was suppose to deliver Spencer today, instead I delivered him four months ago and lost him. I am missing him tons. I couldn't help but spend the day thinking about the 'what-ifs' and asking 'why me??!'. Yes, I'm very angry still, but hopefully with time things my anger will dull.
A. took the day off to spend it with me and Aria. Aria has no clue on the significance of today. She's just happy that her daddy is with her. We had a peaceful day of togetherness. Aria went to preschool and then we had dim sum for lunch. Afterwards we headed over to the park to feed the ducks and to relax. I brought Moo-Moo along. Everyone was very well behaved, not just the dog.
A couple of my friends were sweet enough to call and one even dropped off a pot of beautiful hydrangeas. It was so sweet of them. Gives me a sense of peace to know that Spencer is not forgotten.

On week till....

It's exactly one week before my original due date with Spencer and I'm flooded with some much sadness. Seems like I've been waiting for the big day for so long, when I was carrying Spencer it was with anticipation and excitement, after loosing Spencer, it was with dread. April 26th, 2007. Now I'm at a state where it feels like it's just a regular day. I haven't decided what I'm going to do on that day yet but I should do something out of ordinary to mark the day. I think I'm going to plant a tree or a shrub in the backyard in remembrance to Spencer. My poor little guy never had a chance. I miss him so.

We were finally putting together this bus for Aria tonight. It has been sitting in it's original casing in the guest room since now because I didn't have the time to set it up and because my stillbirth happened right after it's arrival. I secretly wanted the toy for both Spencer and Aria since Aria would probably loose interest in it really fast. It would have been an awesome toy for a little toddler boy. It's a wonderful gift but I'm sadden by the fact that Aria may be the only child to ever play with it.

Aria's preschool is hosting a Mommy's Day tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it mainly because I'm going to be seeing a particular mom (I'm sure I've mentioned her before) who's due around my original due date. Yes, I'm jealous. I want that to be me, all pregnant and glowing. I'm going to be in the same room with her for an hour and a half tomorrow, all smiles, making small talk to her about her pregnancy and her soon-to-be born baby boy while hiding my jealously and envy. Hating her and hating myself. Grrreat.

I received yet another bill from my Perintalogist today for something done the day before my stillbirth. I don't mind the cost but can't they f***in' get all the billing stuff done already?? I'm so tired of seeing bill after bill for the stillbirth yet not one letter of condolence.

Sorry, I'm done ranting for now.

Not on the same page.

It's 2:40 AM and I can't seem to fall asleep. I know what's bothering me and I really shouldn't dwell on it but it's hard not to. I'm missing Spencer alot. That's only part of the reason why I can't sleep. I've been counting the days since my period and I think I'm ovulating. Yes, I said 'I think' because I've never been one to chart my menstrual cycle. I got pregnant with Aria and Spencer by luck. Well, now that I'm having baby lust and my body is back to normal, I want to get pregnant ASAP. I don't think A.'s on the same page. I don't think trying to conceive again is at all important to him. He mentioned that he's afraid that it'll happen again. I think my baby lust is just one sided and he could care less. I'm so scared to let this opportunity pass because I'm not getting younger and I'll have to wait another month for me to ovulate. Even if we do try to conceive, it might not happen. God, the what ifs.
I think A. and I have communication issues. I don't know how to resolve them. This just makes me more antzy and quick to judge, not a healthy environment to try to conceive a baby. I find myself feeling mad alot. I'm mad at myself for not being able to keep Spencer alive inside me, mad at him for not wanting to try to have another baby, and mad at the life, seems like everyone is pregnant and in a great relationship. God, it's going to be a long night.