Missing Spencer....

Week 22 checkup.

2008-05-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

I saw my Peri this morning. The ultra sound technician used the Doppler on me and check my cervix. Everything looks good. My cervix is nice and long still at 4.3 cm. I have plenty of amniotic fluid so there's nothing to worry about. When my Dr. showed up I asked him about my reactions to the P17 shots that A.'s been giving me. I told him how it usually hurts a bit and then I would area would rise up and get all itchy. He took a look at it and was alarmed by what he saw. He said that I have an infection because A. has been giving me the injections incorrectly. 1) A.'s shooting me up in the wrong quadrant. It should be higher up. 2) He's not injecting me correctly. It should be swift and deep, like throwing a dart.
I was alarmed. The shots for the last 4 weeks all been administered incorrectly. They've been painful then itchy, not like the first 2 times. Dr. told me to check my temperature daily to make sure that it doesn't go above 99 degrees. If it does, then he'll have to put me on antibiotics. I'm to apply a warm compress on the infected area to bring the swelling down. Oh, my infection can lead to a PROM. yikes. I'm to come into the office for the next couple of weeks to have my shots administered by the nurse instead of A. He's going to need retraining if he's doing to give them again. I guess A. shouldn't quit his day job after all.

Oh, BTW, Fred's out of my life. Found out that he was a wart.

Week 20 checkup.

2008-04-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment this morning and saw the female OB in the practice. She's super nice and I feel really comfortable with her. She gave me some awesome news regarding my APF test. The results were all fine. My result for Downs is 1 in 820, the average number for a pregnant woman my age would be 1 in 150. My result for Trisomy - 1 in 9,500, average number - 1 in 100. My result for SCD (don't even know what that test is, Dr. told me that it's pretty new) 1 in 10,000, average number 1 in 250. I also tested negative for a neural test. I'm very relieved. Hopefully I will not PROM with this pregnancy. The result from this pregnancy are so different from the numbers that I got when I was carrying Spencer. Maybe there wasn't anything that I could have done differently to save him. I'll never really know since we didn't do an autopsy. I've been carrying the burden of guilt with me for a while now. Thoughts of 'if only I did this' still cross my mind.
I also asked my Dr. about this growth that I've had on my cheek since I was pregnant with Spencer. It's like a big dangling piece of flesh and I find myself inevertently tweeking with it when I'm bored. Kinda disgusting, I know. I've been calling it Fred. She told me that it's due to hormones and that I can have it taken off by a dermatologist since I'm no longer in my 1st trimester. I made an appointment with someone whom she recommended and Fred will hopefully be off my face come next Tues. I'm going to miss you Fred, but at least I can tie my hair up in a ponytail again.

Week 17

2008-03-25T16:57:00.000-07:00

I did my AFP test this morning. Nice and simple. They drew blood and sent it away to a lab. I'll know the results in 10 working days. Now I have to wait for A. to get home so he can give me my second dose of P17 shots. Fun!

I also found out today that my friend Lisa is pregnant. She's about 4 weeks along and is very stressed because she's had 2 miscarriages in the last year. They've been trying to get pregnant for over a year now and has not been able to keep the pregnancies past 8 weeks. I wish her the best and hope that we can both delivery healthy babies come this fall.

Week 16 photos

2008-03-24T13:20:00.000-07:00

I received some great looking pictures from last week's U/S and finally got a chance to post them. The details of the baby are amazing. I can make out so much of her features. They really bring into perspective for me that she's alive and thriving. I'm falling more in love with her every day. I pray that she remains healthy and that I can carry her full-term with no complications. Almost half way through the pregnacy....

Check out this 4D U/S. This picture blew me away. She's so fully developed and cute!

16 weeks update.

2008-03-18T17:40:00.001-07:00

I still sick but I'm down to a nasty cough. Just saw my perinatologist today. Everything looks good. My cervix is long (5 cm) and the baby looks healthy, measuring at 5 ounces currently. They measured her size from head to toes (literally). No signs of Downs or any other defects, thank goodness. My peri has the baby at 16 weeks and 1 day as of today. I think my OB (whom I saw yesterday) has the baby measuring a few days behind so I'm getting different delivery dates from each Dr. I'm going by my peri more just because he has the high-tech machinery. Today is also the big day where I start my P17 shots. I thought the nurse was going to teach A. and then she was going to administer it. But I was wrong. She supervised while A. injected me. I freaked out alittle because it was his first time. I kept on asking if it was possible for him to screw up and inject me with oxygen or draw out blood by mistake. He proved me wrong and did a great job. I barely felt it. He only has to do it 19 more times! hehehehe....

Sick.

2008-03-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

I caught Aria's bug and for the last 2 days I've been as sick as a dog. I would get the chills and then the sweats along with a runny nose and some nasty mucus that refused to be coughed up. I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. It was so bad yesterday that I told A. to take Aria to work with him because I simply couldn't watch her yesterday. A. was wonderful enough to call into work and take the day off. He also took Aria to my usual mommy & me class in the afternoon so I could get some peace and quite. I wanted to tough it out and not take any over-the-counter medicine for fear of harming the baby but by 6:30 PM I just couldn't handle it anymore. I asked A. to get me some meds. He went our local Walgreens, talked to a pharmacist and found out that I can take 2 regular Tylenol every 8 hours. I took the tablets at 7 and miraculously felt better by 8. Ahh.. the wonders of modern medicine. I thank you.

Shot them up.

2008-02-28T18:45:00.000-08:00

Just placed an order for some P17 shots today. They weren't cheap (ran me $130 for 10 weeks of shots). Hopefully, our insurance company will reimburse us for some of the cost. The nurse from my peri's office told me that P17 is not commonly sold at regular drug stores and I will have to get them from a specific pharmacy. She gave me an 800 number and told me that she'll submit my prescription there. It's an out-of-state pharmacy and all I have to do is call in, pay for it and have it mailed to my house. I'm suppose to bring them in, along with A. on my 16 week appointment so that she can train him to administer them to me weekly. Fun. A. told me he doesn't mind doing the injections. Brave man. I personally don't think I can do it to another person. What if I break the needle off once it's inserted into the muscle?! Well, it's a 20 course session, so I better get use to the injections.

Week 12 (or 11.5) checkup.

2008-02-16T23:12:00.000-08:00

I saw my OB on Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day btw. It was the first time that I met the other practicing dr. from the group. Her name is Dr. Ota and she looks relatively young. I got a good vibe from her and she was very patient with me by answering all my pesky questions. Oh, I also did a glucose test in the morning. They took 6 vials of blood so I'm sure they were used for other tests along with the glucose test. The dr. said that if I don't hear anything back from them regarding the glucose test that the results are normal. So no news is good news in that aspect. She said the baby looks fine and the cervix looked closed. Woo-hoo! She did a culture and I will have to call back on Monday for the results. She said according to what she sees so far that I do not need a cerclage. I also told her that I've been feeling constipated and she recommended milk of magnesia if I'm "clogged up" for more than 2 days. yum. I'm going to see them in 4 weeks.

The following day, I saw my peri. A. decided to take the morning off to come along. That totally helped me out because I had Aria with me. This was the big day where my peri performs the nuchal translucency ultrasound to determine whether or not the baby has down syndrome based on the fold of the baby's neck and the space between the nose. He can also tell us the sex of the baby if we were incline to find out. We decided to know. I was kinda relieved that A. was there because I was a little nervous. I guess my peri was training another dr. on doing the scans so the procedure took longer than my previous experience. She kept on missing certain frames, etc. The also had a hard time getting the baby to move in a certain direction to measure the head and had to resort to tapping my belly repeatedly to get the baby to move. I felt like a test subject at times.
Well, the great news is that the baby does not have downs and looks pretty healthy. Unfortunately we were not able to find out the sex. Remember my earlier post regarding the age of the baby? How my OB measured the baby at 7 weeks while my calculator measured him at 8 weeks? Well, I guess the calculator is off by maybe 4 days and the baby is indeed less than 12 weeks along right now. He or she is maybe 4 days behind in comparison to the calculator. Because of those few days before the 12 weeks mark my peri was not able to determine the sex. I'm going to have to go back in 10 days to find out. I'm okay with that as long as the baby is healthy. Oh, my cervix is measuring nice and long at 3.5 cm. He also said no to a cerclage so far but will monitor my cervix to see if there are any changes that may sway his opinion. We also discussed my taking the P17 shots at 16 weeks. I will not be able to self-administer them so I'm going to either have my friend Kathleen (who's a RN) do it or A. will have to learn to.

Here's a 4-D scan of the baby at 11.5 weeks.

results.

2008-01-29T16:18:00.000-08:00

Just got the results back from the culture that I did at my OB's. Everything is normal. I don't have a yeast infection. Woohoo! I've been wondering what all the discharges that I've been having were. I freaked out and thought I was having a yeast infection and been gulping down yogurt drinks daily. Now I can ease up on those especially since I purchased some probiotic pills today. Anything to keep the infections away.

First visit to OB.

2008-01-18T16:49:00.000-08:00

I saw my OBGYN on Thurs. He said everything looks fine, but he told me that I'm only 7 weeks along so far. I thought I was 8 weeks. The counter I downloaded says 8 weeks but he checked and he said I'm only 7 weeks. Oh wells. As long as I carry this baby to full term I can care less about the one week difference.

Chinese Lunar Calendar predictor.

2008-01-16T15:39:00.000-08:00

I checked up the Chinese Lunar Calendar today and it predicted the new baby to be a girl. Well, I'm not going to take it too seriously since it predicted Spencer to be a girl and he turned out to be a boy. It would be nice if we can have another boy but I'm happy as long as he or she's healthy.
Also, I saw my dentist again today to get rid of a little cavity on a back tooth. It was very painless. I'm all done with dental works. Yippee!!

Back from the dentist.

2008-01-15T13:18:00.000-08:00

Okay, it wasn't as bad as I thought it'll be so I'm glad that I went. I did have alot of plaque and tar buildup. He sure worked hard on my teeth today. It took an hour and a half but he did a great job. I promise to floss daily and to go back for followups. I do have to go back tomorrow because he found some cavities on one tooth that's not too major.
It kills me to think that I might have brought on Spencer's death because of gingivitis that I could have prevented. I hate myself sometimes.

First checkup at 7 weeks.

2008-01-15T09:26:00.000-08:00

I saw a new perinatologist last Friday who came highly recommended. He does the most cerclages in the valley. I got a good vibe from him. He answered all my questions and gave me a proactive plan for my current pregnancy. One of the key things that I have to do is to get my teeth cleaned. He's worried that about gingivitis which may lead to in infections. He thinks that I PPROMed with Spencer because of an infection. So, today, at 10 AM I'm going in to see a dentist to have my teeth cleaned. Boy am I nervous. I haven't seen a dentist in years, and I'm leaning towards over a decade. That's pretty bad. I'm willing to do anything to make sure that I don't loose this child so if I have to see a dentist, I'll do it. Other things that I have to do is to change my diet drastically. I tested for a yeast infection and we're going to try to clear that up without using medication. Hopefully, the new diet that he has me on will clear it up in a few weeks. The new diet consist of eating flax seed, yogurt (for the culture), eating alot of raw greens, and drinking more low-fat milk. He also wants me to go organic. That's going to be a tough one. I also have to use wipes after pooping. I'm to amp up on my vitamins. Currently, I'm taking 8 pills a day and it's making me sick to my stomach. I'm going to try to take them all right before I sleep to see if that will ease up on my nausea.
I'm seeing my regular OB this Thurs. so hopefully more news to come.

Look!

2007-12-24T18:28:00.000-08:00

Oh my god! Look, I'm pregnant! I can't believe it. I'm so excited but I'm also scared of the coming months. I hope it will go by smoothly with no interruptions and problems.

Avoidance is good.

2007-05-15T13:21:00.000-07:00

I showed up to pick Aria up from preschool today and ran into a full show-and-tell scene involving Aria's classmate's new baby brother. He was born 2 days after Spencer's original due date and is named Sterling Nickel. I kid you not. I avoided the scene like a plague. I really wanted to go up to the mom and congratulate her and her new baby but ,damn, I physically couldn't do it. I walked around the whole scene taking place near the front door. I started having a mini anxiety attack and my jealousy set in. God, I suck. I thought I was getting better.

2007-05-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

We also planted a Heavenly Bamboo in the backyard on the day that was suppose to be Spencer's due date. Funny how the name of the plant is so appropriate.

On this day...

2007-04-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

I was suppose to deliver Spencer today, instead I delivered him four months ago and lost him. I am missing him tons. I couldn't help but spend the day thinking about the 'what-ifs' and asking 'why me??!'. Yes, I'm very angry still, but hopefully with time things my anger will dull.
A. took the day off to spend it with me and Aria. Aria has no clue on the significance of today. She's just happy that her daddy is with her. We had a peaceful day of togetherness. Aria went to preschool and then we had dim sum for lunch. Afterwards we headed over to the park to feed the ducks and to relax. I brought Moo-Moo along. Everyone was very well behaved, not just the dog.
A couple of my friends were sweet enough to call and one even dropped off a pot of beautiful hydrangeas. It was so sweet of them. Gives me a sense of peace to know that Spencer is not forgotten.

On week till....

2007-04-19T03:12:00.000-07:00

It's exactly one week before my original due date with Spencer and I'm flooded with some much sadness. Seems like I've been waiting for the big day for so long, when I was carrying Spencer it was with anticipation and excitement, after loosing Spencer, it was with dread. April 26th, 2007. Now I'm at a state where it feels like it's just a regular day. I haven't decided what I'm going to do on that day yet but I should do something out of ordinary to mark the day. I think I'm going to plant a tree or a shrub in the backyard in remembrance to Spencer. My poor little guy never had a chance. I miss him so.

We were finally putting together this bus for Aria tonight. It has been sitting in it's original casing in the guest room since now because I didn't have the time to set it up and because my stillbirth happened right after it's arrival. I secretly wanted the toy for both Spencer and Aria since Aria would probably loose interest in it really fast. It would have been an awesome toy for a little toddler boy. It's a wonderful gift but I'm sadden by the fact that Aria may be the only child to ever play with it.

Aria's preschool is hosting a Mommy's Day tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it mainly because I'm going to be seeing a particular mom (I'm sure I've mentioned her before) who's due around my original due date. Yes, I'm jealous. I want that to be me, all pregnant and glowing. I'm going to be in the same room with her for an hour and a half tomorrow, all smiles, making small talk to her about her pregnancy and her soon-to-be born baby boy while hiding my jealously and envy. Hating her and hating myself. Grrreat.

I received yet another bill from my Perintalogist today for something done the day before my stillbirth. I don't mind the cost but can't they f***in' get all the billing stuff done already?? I'm so tired of seeing bill after bill for the stillbirth yet not one letter of condolence.

Sorry, I'm done ranting for now.

Not on the same page.

2007-04-09T02:40:00.000-07:00

It's 2:40 AM and I can't seem to fall asleep. I know what's bothering me and I really shouldn't dwell on it but it's hard not to. I'm missing Spencer alot. That's only part of the reason why I can't sleep. I've been counting the days since my period and I think I'm ovulating. Yes, I said 'I think' because I've never been one to chart my menstrual cycle. I got pregnant with Aria and Spencer by luck. Well, now that I'm having baby lust and my body is back to normal, I want to get pregnant ASAP. I don't think A.'s on the same page. I don't think trying to conceive again is at all important to him. He mentioned that he's afraid that it'll happen again. I think my baby lust is just one sided and he could care less. I'm so scared to let this opportunity pass because I'm not getting younger and I'll have to wait another month for me to ovulate. Even if we do try to conceive, it might not happen. God, the what ifs.
I think A. and I have communication issues. I don't know how to resolve them. This just makes me more antzy and quick to judge, not a healthy environment to try to conceive a baby. I find myself feeling mad alot. I'm mad at myself for not being able to keep Spencer alive inside me, mad at him for not wanting to try to have another baby, and mad at the life, seems like everyone is pregnant and in a great relationship. God, it's going to be a long night.

Marching on.

2007-03-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

As Spencer's original due date is slowly creeping closer, I'm having a harder time dealing with life. I can't help but think about the possiblities if he had lived. I think about how life is so unfair and how much I'm missing him. It's been over three months since his passing but it seems just like yesterday when I was pregnant with him. I have so many regrets. If only I can do it over again....
I attended a fiendtrip today with Aria's class and I was surprise to find out that one of the moms in the class is pregnant. She has never been very friendly to me so we don't talk. I overheard her tell someone that she's 3 and 1/2 months along now. I remember the same time last year where she mentioned that she would like to have another one and there she is today pregnant. I'm so jealous of her in her current state. I wish that was me.

Yes, I know these are all unhealthy thoughts but I can't help them.

Bereavement class graduate.

2007-03-23T18:48:00.000-07:00

My six weeks of bereavement classes are finally over. It's been a tough six weeks. I honestly can't say that the classes have helped me all that much in my grieving over the loss of Spencer. The classes started over 2 months after my stillbirth. I think it would have helped me alot more if I have had the classes during the first month after my loss. I was a real mess back then. One thing that the class did help me in was the direction of how A. and I were communicating. I think it has taught us to converse better together. Without the class, I think our relationship would have gone downhill. I've learn to accept that it's okay if we're at different stages of mourning. He might not be crying or showing grief like I am and that's okay. As long as we can tell each other how we feel and be our own support our relationship will be healthy. She also think that we need date night once a week. Now that's too much. A. and I agree that we definitely need it once a month though. She made us promise to not talk about Aria during our date night also. That's going to be hard. Aria's our life. I live my life around her. But I understand where the psychologist is talking about and we told her that we'll try. Date night is tomorrow. It's going to be interesting.

Halfway there.

2007-03-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

We're midway through our 6 weeks course of bereavement classes and I have to say that I'm feeling crappier than when I first started. The discussion in class is highlighting the negatives in A. and my relationship. It's not really helping me cope at all. During the last session, the psychologist told me and A. that maybe we need to seek counseling. Great. I know we're not a perfect couple but do we need that much help?? I don't know anymore. God, I'm dreading the three remaining meetings. All the other couples are doing great. They all seem to grieve together. They're their own support team. They're so young and optimistic about the future almost. I'm just not in the same boat.

On a brighter note, I've finally having a regular menstrual cycle. My body is finally getting back to normal. I guess we can start trying again but I don't know if I'm mentally there yet. I guess this is something I need to talk to A. about, or not.

Freak.

2007-02-04T20:29:00.000-08:00

My body is so out of wack. I'm still spotting and I haven't had a regular period yet. The idea of getting pregnant again seems impossible with this blob for a body. I feel like such a freak. I'm still running regularly but I don't see any changes to my body. I feel fat and ugly. It's been getting harder for me to deal with thing now that Spencer's due date is getting closer. I feel so guilty that my body failed him. He didn't have a chance to live. When's the hurting ever going to lessen up?

The grass is greener...

2007-01-30T17:04:00.000-08:00

While at my local discount store today (san Aria, she was in preschool), I ran into my favorite cashier Patty there. She's currently 8 months pregnant and is expecting a boy. I haven't seen her since before my miscarriage so she was surprised to find out that I was no longer pregnant. I can't help but feel envious of her healthy pregnancy. I'm happy for her and all but I so wish that I was the one who is pregnant still. She didn't seem thrilled about having another baby let alone a baby boy. She already have 2 older boys. I know she's not in a good financial situation to have another child. She didn't seek prenatal care until 4 months into her pregnancy and she told me that she fell 3 times while at home and had to go to the ER after one of the falls. Patty also told me she's not ready for this baby and that she rather have a girl. Grrrrr.... she's so lucky. She doesn't know how lucky she is to have a healthy baby inside her and to carry that baby to full term. I wish I was so lucky.

Research

2007-01-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

I borrowed a couple of books from the library and I just finished reading Preventing Miscarriage The Good News by Dr. Jonathan Scher. Great book. Very helpful info. I highly recommend this book to anyone who's thinking of getting pregnant or is currently pregnant.
My next book to read is How to Choose The Sex Of Your Baby by Dr. Landrum B. Shettles. The librarian who helped me look up the book in the library's system actually scoffed when I told him the title. Well, we'll see if this works. Must have better odds than the Lunar Chinese Calendar. That predicted that Spencer would be a girl. Wrong.

First of many.

2007-01-23T18:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I've finally found some high-risk OBGYNs that deliver at the hospital where I had Spencer. I'm going to see one tomorrow morning. I'm almost not sure if I'm jumping the gun here by going to a consultation when I'm not even pregnant yet. I pray that I can get pregnant again. With my luck I might never be pregnant again. It's kinda ironic how I got pregnant with Spencer by accident (a happy one of course) and now, after loosing Spencer, I really, really, really want to get pregnant and I don't know if I can. I'm so scared to journey down the whole pregnancy road again so soon but if I don't try I might miss my window of opportunity. I'm not young anymore and realistically I only have a few more years to get pregnant. The chances of having a healthy child gets slimmer and slimmer. It's so scary looking at charts on women's age and chromosomal issues.
I was talking to my friend Julie last night and we were comparing pregnancy stories. She's is such a sweetheart. She actually cried when I told her about my miscarriage with Spencer. She also had a miscarriage so she can totally relate to my pain. One key thing that I noticed when we were talking was that she mentioned how she felt no nausea when she was carrying her first child. That pregnancy lead to a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I told her that I didn't get any nausea when I was carrying Spencer. I've read about how having nausea during pregnancy is a good thing because it means that the hormone levels of the pregnancy are adequate. Makes me wonder if my body harmed Spencer somehow. Yeah, yeah, I'm still blaming myself. No, I'm not going to stop doing that, at least not for a while.
Before I forget, I was walking to a store with my friend Kathleen today and we were talking about something and I mentioned Spencer by his name and she said 'you gave him a name.' I said yeah, I had to, because they needed a name for the death certificate. She said, no, you used his name instead of saying 'the baby'. Hmm.... yeah I did. Maybe I'm getting better at dealing with his passing. I don't know....

On the hunt.

2007-01-17T08:24:00.000-08:00

I been on the search for a high-risk pregnancy doctor for a while now. Google searching hasn't helped me at all. I've been asking friends and other moms from my local moms group but really haven't gotten alot of referrals just because none of them had high-risk pregnancies. Ideally I would like to deliver at Cedar Sinai hospital in Beverly Hills again but we live too far now to make that viable. I liked the hospital where I delivered Spencer (Encino-Tarzana) so I'm searching for a high-risk doctor who will deliver there. I finally found 4 by calling a search engine offered through the hospital and I made an appointment to see one of them next month. That doctor is actually located in the same building as my current OBGYN. God, I wonder if things would have been different if I had gone to this doctor to begin with. Right, right, stop thinking about the 'what ifs'. Well, I'm kinda nervous about seeing him. It's a totally new ball game now. I'm worried that he's going to tell me that I might have infertility issues along with the fact that I'm high-risk. I'm also scared to get back on the journey of trying to get pregnant. I hope I click with him but I guess I should interview other high-risk doctors too. This hunt for a new OB sure isn't a fun one.

Dad on wheels.

2007-01-17T07:56:00.000-08:00

A.'s birthday is coming up soon (this Sunday!). I feel so bad because I haven't prepped for it at all. I just ordered a gift yesterday and that's not going to arrive until after his birthday. He already knows what it is because I asked him beforehand if he would actually use it if I got it for him. Yip, no surprise for him at all. I ordered him a pair of Heelys.

Heelys are a brand of sneakers that have one or more wheels embedded in each sole . Thus, the wearer can walk, run, or - by shifting their weight to their heels - roll. The process of lowering the front section of rear foot, gently, will increase friction and will slow the wheel to a stop. The wheel can easily be removed from the shoe, which may be done for comfort reasons or for reasons of practicality or security.

I couldn't think of anything else to get him because he's pretty hard to shop for. He basically goes and buys what he wants, when he wants ie: computer games.

I thought this year I could give him the son that he always wanted but that's not going to happen now. Okay, okay, I'm being synical again. I gotta let up.

New purchase.

2007-01-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

We bought a car today. Well it's an old new car. The primary driver will be A. since he's going to use it to go back and forth from work. We'll use it as a family on weekends. I'm going to get A.'s old car. I'm cool with that since I mainly go local now anyways. I hope we made the right decision in purchasing this car versus another one. It was a pretty reasonable deal.
Today while at the dealer's office, I was sitting in a chair cradling Aria who was still napping. I couldn't help but think of what the situation would have been like if I was still pregnant with Spencer. I would be holding 2 babies instead I was only holding Aria. That thought made me hold her even tighter.

Running...

2007-01-11T08:17:00.000-08:00

I've started running again this week. Well, it's really more like light jogging. A friend who lives 3 blocks away is doing it with me. We start running at the break of dawn (6:30 AM) and would run for about half an hour. Today is the second time this week that we've hit the pavements and already I can feel my endurance level rising. Today's run was way better than our first run a couple of days again. My body was screaming 'NO MORE!' the first time out. Today, it was more of a mild 'is it over yet?'. Boy, it sure miss the days when I can run 3 miles like it was nothing. I hope we can keep this up so that I can drop at least 10 lbs. This way I can at head into the possibility of getting pregnancy with a healthier body. I've gained nothing from my pregnancy with Spencer except 15 lbs. Sucks. Don't know about my mental state, no easy fix there.
I hope we can keep up with this running routine. Having my friend as a partner definitely helps more than doing it solo. I'm such a procastinator that I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed, especially that early. What's crazy is I have this block of free time to myself in the mornings now. I get home from my run around 7:15 AM and both Aria and A. are still asleep. Now I can do errands, surf the web or watch even more t.v.

Another death in the family.

2007-01-09T13:20:00.000-08:00

What a day. Another death in the family, this time it's not as significant, it's my car. My little Toyota Tecel has bite the dust this morning. Well she can start up but refuse to stay that way. I was making a right into the street where Aria's preschool is located when my little car stated to slow down. I had the notion to pull over and then it just stopped moving. (sob) Thank god for AAA. They towed my car to a mechanics. I had to pull Aria out of school after only spending 40 mins. in class. Then we spent the morning waiting for the diagnostic before being delivered the bad news that the engine had cyliner problems. I don't completely understand except for the fact that it'll take big bucks and many, many days to fix. I called A. and we decided to simply have the car towed back to our house. We're not going to fix it because A) it's not worth fixing, will be better to just get another new (old) car. B) The mechanic is really far from our house. C) We're poor.
I'm going to miss that car. It was the first car that I've ever purchased on my own. I made many vital trips with it. When we bought this house, I would make so many moving trips from the new house to the old. It was Aria's first form of transportation. I would carry great yard sale finds back with it. I remember the time that we purchased a Little Tikes log cabin for $20 and we strapped the cabin on top of my Tercel. What a sign coming down the street. I remember people pointing and chuckling. Hey, it did the trick. A. used it to transport home our large color T.V. It wouldn't fit in his car but it did in my little Tercel. I even brought Spencer home with this car. It's currently sitting in front of the house, dead. Now we gotta go car shopping or rent a car or something. Geez. Will the bad news ever stop???

Insomnia

2007-01-08T02:45:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. It's 2:45 AM, Aria and I have a Mommy & Me class at 9:00 AM and for the life of me I can't fall asleep. I lay in bed, with my eyes closed thinking of Spencer and the future that can never be. I miss him so. I know I'm not alone but I'm so lonely right now.
I ponder about which hospital I should go to when I get pregnant again and whether or not I should see the same OBGYN that I had last. I think about the distance from our house to Cedar-Sinai and wonder if I can tolerate a hour drive on way to see my pass OB. The stupid part of all this is that I'm not even pregnant! I might never be pregnant again. How can I try to conceive another child when I want Spencer back so badly.
Regular school starts up again this week and I dread going back to my Mommy & Me class because there are 2 pregnant women in my class who are due the same time that I was suppose to deliver Spencer. I think they're both having boys. I can't bear to witness their growing bellies while my belly is deflated and barren. I'm not whole. When will I be able to cope?? I'm really considering just quitting that class all together. I guess that's one way of dealing with it. I'm also dread having to tell all moms in my local mom's group about my miscarriage. Most of don't know yet. I only told the ones who I consider 'good friend'. Why do I care what others think if they're not good friends? I guess I don't want to hear all the 'oh, I'm sorry for your loss.', the 'well, you can try again.' crap. Also, I'm secretly envious of the fact that most of them can have a successful pregnancy while I can't.

It's now 5:01AM and I'm still on the computer. I've just been surfing the web, killing time. I really should get to bed but I'm worried that I won't wake up in time for class. Augh.

Some closure.

2007-01-07T17:19:00.000-08:00

A., Aria and I went to the mortuary and picked up Spencer's ashes today. A. brought along his urn hoping the workers there will transfer Spencer's ashes into it. Once there though, I told A. that I would rather do it myself than have the worker there do it. He was my son for goodness sakes, I rather do it than have a stranger do it. The guy who brought Spencer's ashes out to us was really talkative and kept on taking to us once he gave us Spencer's ashes. Geez, let me go home with my son's ashes please. I walked away and entertained Aria while he talked to A. about his vacation to China last year, blah, blah, blah.
Once we got home A. and I transfered Spencer's ashes to the wooden urn that I bought. There wasn't much of him but I'm still glad that he's home with us. I miss him and I'll think of him daily.

Snail mail.

2007-01-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

Spencer's death certificate came in the mail today via the U.S. Postal Service. I had to sign for it. I didn't know. It was addressed to A. and I didn't find out about it until he arrived home from work. God it looks so formal with the words 'Certificate of Fetal Death' printed on the top.
We're going to pick up Spencer's ashes this Sunday as a family. I don't know how to deal.

Goodbye 2006.

2007-01-02T08:23:00.000-08:00

Here's hoping that 2007 will bring great things and blessings vs. 2006.

Trying to cope.

2006-12-26T14:37:00.000-08:00

I really have no place to vent except for here. I think A. can only take so much of my grief. I know he's grieving too and I can't expect to pile it all on him. I don't think alot of people will understand the pain that I'm going through right now. I cry all the time. I don't know what to do with my days. It hurts so much to live right now. I'm so sorry for what I'm putting Aria through. She's suffering because I'm not a great mother to her right now. She needs my attention and I just can't seem to pull it together for her. She wants me to play with her but I can't seem to muster up the power. When's the pain going to subside?
I've been going online alot to search for answers. I've found sites about PROM and sites to cope with miscarriages but damnit, they're not helping. I posted today on craigslist forum and the three replies that I got told me that miscarriages are out of my hands and my doctors hands and "that almost all miscarriages are caused by an abnormality in the embryo that makes it not viable." B/S, I know that I or my doctor could have done something differently early on to save Spencer. I should have taken the 1st trimester bleeding more seriously. I think I need to see a shrink.
I am seeing on OBGYN tomorrow for my 2 weeks post D & C appointment. A. wrote me a bunch of questions to ask. I've got some too. Hopefully she can give me the answer to why Spencer died. I secretly doubt that she will. Even if she does, my Spencer will never come back. It's too late.

Urn shopping.

2006-12-22T10:23:00.000-08:00

It is one of the most difficult things that I have ever done but it has to be done. The funeral home didn't have much of a selection so we opted not to buy an urn from them. The only way I know how was to go online. I did a search for 'infant urn' and sites popped up. God, everything looked so ugly or over the top. I just want something simple and beautiful. No, I don't want a freakish ceramic shoe or teddy bear or ugly ass circular urns that scream 'look I'm an urn'.
I eventually found a pretty basic wooden walnut rectangular urn online. People are shopping online new for Christmas presents for their loved ones. I'm shopping for an urn for my dead baby boy. God, I'm cynical right now, sorry.

Searching...

2006-12-19T17:48:00.000-08:00

I desperately need some answers. I want to know why this happened. Was it me? Was it my body? Did I eat or do something that harmed my baby? What could I have done differently? Did I have a Incompetent Cervix? What is wrong with me? Why me?

I'm searching the web daily just trying to see why this happened. I don't want to go through this again if I become pregnant again. I don't think I can handle it.

Sudden end.

2006-12-15T22:13:00.000-08:00

I lost my baby born on Wed., Dec. 13th at 12:06 AM. I think of him as my baby boy even though I was only 20 weeks and 4 days into my pregnancy with him. I loved him and his passing was so unexpected. I had a doctor's appointment earlier in the day on Dec. 12th. My OBGYN checked my baby's size and heartbeat and told me that he was fine, but she became concern when she saw a blood clot the size of a walnut and when I told her about a frequency of fluid discharges. She sent me to see my specialist and that's when it all went downhill. My specialist told me that I was leaking amniotic fluid, that there was a tear in the sac that holds my baby. I was sent back to see my OBGYN and she told me that there was a slim possibility that it will seal, a 5 - 10% chance. I remember seeing a similar case on T.V. where this happened to a woman carrying twins and her tear healed and she delivered healthy babies. I had faith that I would in that 10% where the tear will seal. A., Aria and I went home and I went right to bed to rest after eating a quick meal. I started feeling cramping pains around 9:30 PM and I tried to will them away. I thought maybe it was the milk that I had that was making me feel uncomfortable. Maybe I was just constipated. The pain started to get worst but I still refuse to believe that anything was wrong. Eventually, A. grew really worried and convinced me to go to the hospital. We got there around 10:30 PM. I really didn't realize that I was having a miscarriage until I was in the hospital room when the nurse told me that she can feel the baby's foot when she checked me. A part of me thought that he'll be okay even when I was in pain. I wanted to have him so badly. I thought that everything was normal. I thought the bleeding and the leaking of fluids was part of a normal pregnancy. Little did I know that it was the amniotic fluid leaking from my body and slowly killing my baby. The nurses inserted an IV in my arm and gave me some medicine to dull the pain. My OBGYN arrived shortly and she gave me more medicine ( I don't know what). The med. overtook me quickly and I was in a haze. I felt like sleeping and I was hallucinating. The doctor told me to push but in my state I screamed no, I want to keep him in. I think part of me was thinking that if he's inside me still, he'll survive. I don't know how long the whole process was but eventually I mustered the nerves to push and he was out of me. I never heard a cry from him. The medication didn't help because I felt like I wasn't quite there. I overheard the nurses ask A. if we have a name for him and A. said 'Spencer'. The doctor asked A. if he wants her to do chromosomal test on Spencer and A. said no. I wanted to tell him otherwise, that I want to know if he was normal, but I was too drugged up to say anything. I want to know if my body killed a perfectly normal healthy baby. Now it's too late to find out if he was chromosomal healthy.
I spent a night at the hospital and left around 3:30 PM the next day. A. and Aria came to visit and to stay with me from 11:00 AM and on. I was so alone in the morning until they arrived. I felt so empty and hollow.
I have to write this down, no matter how painful so I don't forget. I want him to know that I miss him tremendously and that he was very important to me.
The next couple of days afterwards were blurs. A. took three days off of work to be with me and Aria. During that time we went to a funeral home and did the necessary paper works to get Spencer cremated. Because he was born after the 20 weeks mark, he needs a death certificate and he must be buried or cremated by the law, yet he was too young to be counted as viable to be saved at the hospital. So ironic.
We also hit the local mall (trust me, I didn't want to be around people but A. insisted that we go) to do his Christmas shopping for his family and also to go to Things Remembered to see if they have a nice box with a lock to put Spencer's ashes in. The salesperson would come over and ask if she can help and I had to bite my tongue to not blur out, 'Yes, can you find me an container that will make a great urn for my dead baby boy?" We didn't find anything there so we left and shopped for all of A.'s relatives. Everywhere I look I spotted pregnant mothers and infants. I hate life. Yes, I'm bitter and angry. I'm angry with myself for killing my baby and angry with myself for not doing a better job of trying to save him. I failed.
I have to write this all this down, no matter how painful so I don't forget. I want Spencer to know that I miss him tramendously and that he was very important to me. He will never be forgotten.

More doubts.

2006-12-08T16:36:00.000-08:00

I got some bad news from my doctor this morning, my AFP test results came back pretty high ( 1 in 128 chance of the baby getting Spina Bifida) and she recommended me to have the amino done. I called my specialist and after numerous callbacks, I finally got one scheduled for next Friday. I really feel like I'm in a revolving door with all my doctors. I'm also really nervous of having the amino done. First off, I'm scared of needles, secondly this can lead to a miscarriage. Also the result is not instantanious. I'll probably have to wait a week before I find out the results. What if the result comes back positive?? More decisions to be made... I'm scared in general. This is one testing pregancy. Damn, I'm going to start crying all over again. The uncertainty is killing me.

Another doctor's visit.

2006-12-05T15:44:00.000-08:00

I saw my doctor just now to check to make sure the baby is fine. She told me yes, the baby looks good. Then she told me that I had a bladder infection. That may be the reason for my discomfort and bleeding. It's not definite why it's not happening. She prescribed me two different medicine and send me on my way. I have to see her again next week. Geez I see her alot.

Interrupted Monday Night

2006-12-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

I wasn't feeling to hot last night. I had a long day of taking Aria to Mommy & Me, then a YMCA class, then lunch and back to the Y for another class. Let's just say I'm sick of the Y. It's a new schedule that I'm trying out and it's draining. Well, towards the evening during dinner and after a shower I was getting symptoms of menstral cramps and back pain. I've had pressure down there almost all throughout this pregnancy but never menstral cramp-like feeling. I saw that I was bleeding/spotting more and A. was freaking out so I called my OBGYN and she told me to go to the Labor & Delivery floor at the hospital. This is around 9:30 PM and we got to the hospital a half an hour later. We had to bring Aria with us since we don't really have any help close to us and she fell right asleep as we pulled up to the hospital. Once we got to the second floor, a nurse told me to change into a gown and we were about to hear the baby's heartbeat. He was fine. Then Nurse Dorie hooked me up to a device to monitor my contractions. The news was great. I wasn't haven't contractions just some discomforts. She told me that if I was having a miscarriage this early in the pregancy that there is basically nothing they can do to save the baby. Until the baby is at least 24 weeks, a miscarriage will automatically lead to the death of the fetus. Even if he was born at 24 weeks, his chance of being healthy and normal is slim. She did tell me that between 30 - 35% of pregant women go through spotting during their pregancy and have healthy babies. Let's hope I'm in that bracket.
After a half an hour we were sent home and told to see my OBGYN today. I think I'm feeling better today. I just hope the baby stays put for another 20 weeks.

week 19

2006-12-02T18:15:00.000-08:00

I saw regular OBGYN a couple of days again and I mentioned to her that I've been bleeding/spotting for the last week. She checked me and told me that outside cervix is currently opened 1 cm but thankfully the inside part of the cervix is closed. I was confused until she told me that the opening of the cervix is shaped like a cylinder and the major concern is with the inside opening. I was alittle relieved but I'm still worried. I question why all this is happening to me with my second pregnancy. Nothing like this happened when I carried Aria. I was so active when I was pregnant with her. She said that this is common for women going through their second pregnancy. She, however could not explain why I was bleeding. I guess I just want hard core data on why this is going on and what I can do to prevent the bleeding. Well, I have to see her again next week so she can monitor my cervix. Thankfully the baby's heartbeat is there and it's good. Oh, the also drew blood for a AFP test. I've been ordered to take it easy and not do anything strenuous. That means my planned evening outing to the L.A. Zoo is out. A.'s taking Aria by himself. I'm going to miss out on the fun.

Week 17

2006-11-17T18:37:00.000-08:00

I saw my fetal specialist today and I've opted not to get an amino done. My previous test came back with a 1 in 278 chance of having a child with Downe Syndrome. Today's ultrasound dropped that by half to 1 in 556 chance of having a child with Downe Syndrome. I'll take those odds and not risk getting an anmino done. If I opt for an amino, there is a 1 in 200 chance of having a miscarriage. I'm not taking the risk.
The baby looks healthy. The doctor assume me today that the baby is a boy. I asked for the percentage, she just chuckled and said that there is no doubt that it's a boy. I'm sure A.'s happy with those odds.
I'm feeling good so far in the pregnancy. No more sickness and fatigue. My energy level is up. I should use that to organize and make room for the new baby. We've got alot of decision making to do about where our new baby will sleep. It's definitely not in our bed. There is no more room since Aria is our current bunkmate.

relief.

2006-10-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

I called my doctor today and was able to get an appt. to see her around 3:45 PM. The wait took over an hour but I got great news. The baby is fine. I was able to see his little heart beating and he was moving around alot. I asked her why I bled and she couldn't give me a direct answer except that it happens. She said it'll only take place during the first trimester and thankfully my first trimester is ending soon. Woohoo.

Complication.

2006-10-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

I've been having some bleeding since yesterday morning (10/14). It's not heavy but it hasn't stopped at all. I called my doctor right away and she told me that unless I start bleeding more to not worry too much. She told me to go into her office this Monday. Why do medical problems always arise during the weekends??? I remembered Aria having RSV on a Sat. and her pediatrition was of course not picking up his phone and we had to go to the ER to deal with it.
Well, I was really freaking out yesterday. I had to go to the co-op to work too around 12 and my doctor told me to cancel it. I couldn't do that to them but A. was sweet enough to volunteer to do it for me instead. Thank god he did too because the job involved alot of heavy lifting and carrying, not good for a preggie woman. I shared my situation with a couple of moms at the co-op that afternoon and this one mom's story really freaked me out. She told me that she had a miscarriage and a successful pregnancy where she bled in both situations. The kicker was she said she did not experience any cramping or pain during her miscarriage. That planned the idea in my head that 'I'm having a miscarriage too'. I was so freaked out. Thankfully, one of my good friend showed up at the co-op and she told me that I'm stressing over nothing and that she too have had a miscarriage and a healthy pregnancy and that my symptoms are not like her symptoms when she had her miscarriage. She said she experience tramendous pain and the blood was bright red and very heavy in flow.
It was so nice of her to share her experiences with me. She calmed me down tramendously. She told me to rest and take it easy. I'm still very anxious until I see my doctor tomorrow. I need answers and a comfirmation that everything is okay. I hope everything is okay. I've so attached to the little guy and I hope he's healthy and strong.

Seeing a specialist.

2006-10-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

I just came back from my test with a maternal-fetal medicine specialist (that's a mouthful) and had a First Trimester Aneuploidy Screen done. They basically pricked my finger, took samples and did a pretty extensive ultrasound exam. The worst part was the finger pricking. I'm not into anything involving needles and my blood. The whole exam took around 2 hours with alot of time spent waiting. I had Aria with me and she was a true trooper. Didn't fuss once. Well I came away from the exam with one thing answered. There's a 70% chance that I'm going to have a boy! Oh boy! Granted that it's only 70% but it was great to see his penis on the monitor. The doctor wouldn't give it more than 70% accuracy but hey, I'll take it. She'll know for sure the next time I see her at my 20 weeks visit. I called my sis first and then I called A. and told him. This is his reply, " well, that's great, I guess". Augh. Can't he be alittle happier? He really wants a boy but I guess the 70% thing still bothers him so he's not going to celebrate until I do my 20 week test when the odds go up to 98%. I thought I was the pessimist in the relationship. I told him at least it wasn't a 70% chance of it begin a girl. He said he understands where I'm coming from but wishes the percentage was higher. Well, we'll know for sure by the middle of next month. Seems so far away. Oh, cool part was they got it on VHS tape for us so I'll show it to A. when he comes home. Maybe it'll hit him more when he sees it on the big screen. God, I'm going to have a boy!

Here's a picture of the baby at 12 weeks. Can you make out the head on the left and his body on the right? Those two little balls are his hands. The head looks skeletal but that's because he's so young still. I think he looks cute.

11 weeks checkup.

2006-10-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

I just went to see my doctor on Friday and the baby is fine. I was able to hear the heartbeat so that's a good thing. I, on the other hand, has some issues. I've been having some pain in the groin area and I was concern about it because I've never had it when I was carrying Aria. The doctor said it's normal because I'm all stretched out from the first preganacy and any strenuous activities will aggrevate the pain. Great. She recommended that I get a lumbard belt. I'm going to have to look into that. Also, I've gained 4 lbs. since my last checkup a month ago. She said that that's not good. She'll excuse it if I am in my 3rd trimester but not when I'm in my 1st. I have to cut back on the eatings. God. How am I going to do that when I have cravings for soups all the freakin' time??? Come on... what about the perks of being preggie?? where I can eat anything I want and not feel guilty about it??
I haven't started to cut back yet. I don't even know how to begin.
Oh well. Maybe I should walk more, but that'll aggrevate the pain. UGH.

Hurry already.

2006-09-19T10:29:00.000-07:00

I feel like this pregnancy is going soooo slow. I'm so looking forward to my second trimester with the morning sickness far behind me and I'm actually looking preggy and not just 'fat'. Hopefully I will not be so tired. I've been sleeping alot lately. I even take naps which does nothing to perk me up. Poor Aria is left to play by herself some of the time when I'm napping because I'm just too tired. She's been a great kid and she's aware that mommy is not feeling well became I have a new baby in my stomach. She's very careful to not jump on my tummy to not hurt the baby. Aria is so sweet.
On another note, I've got to find my preggy clothes. I know they're in the house somewhere but I have no clue where. Maybe I'll do it another day when I'm not so sleepy. I think I'm going to crash on the couch right now. Later.

Belly.

2006-09-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how big my belly has gotten and I'm not even 2 months along. I feel like a freakin blimp, no joke. I don't recall being this big this early in the preganacy last time. What's weird is that I'm eating the same amount of food as before I was preggie. I hope this child isn't going to be huge during birth.

Cravings.

2006-09-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

I've been having some mean cravings for noodles, almost any type of noodles. I get these cravings everyday, throughout the day. Over the weekend, I've had Pad Thai (which wasn't very good but I ate it all), thin stir fried rice noodles, Mongolian B.B.Q. Style noodles, mandarin style pancake noodles, and tonight I made black bean sauce noodles reminicent of Cha Jang Mein but really didn't turn out that way because I also put in oyster sauce. But it was still delish and I had heaps and heaps of it. God, thinking about noodles is bringing on the cravings right now. A big bowl of pho would definitely hit the spot. I see images of Tomato Beef Chow Mein, Beef Chow Fun with black bean sauce, curry over udon in my near future. I'm going to gain so much weight with this preganacy, I can feel it. Must control the cravings.....

Back from the doctor's

2006-09-08T17:59:00.000-07:00

I'm back from the doctor's and I got alot of questions answered. I now know that the due date is April 26th and the baby is 7 weeks and 2 days old. I also now feel better about the situation with the pain that I experienced today. Dr. Siberstein told me not to worry, I probably pulled something and she said everything looked fine. It was also the first time that I met Dr. Siberstein. She came highly recommended from a mom in my mom's group and I really liked her when I met her. She looked really young but she said she has a three years old daughter so she must not be new to this motherhood thing. I brought Aria along to the visit and the Dr. was really great with her. That's another great sign. I got referred to 2 other doctors for tests and she gave me a pirscription for prenatal and told me to toss my over-the-counter ones away. It's all because of my age. I'm no spring chick so I got to do more for this baby. I also had to have my blood drawn at the local lab. They drew 7, yes 7 vials of blood. I'm not a big fan of needles especially the IVs so that was definitely the worst part of the whole experience. She said that I might not have to do an Amniocentesis if the test comes back with good results. So I'm keeping my fingers cross because I don't like needles and I don't want to jepardize the baby and cause a miscarriage.

Here's the baby's first picture! She's (I'm assuming she's a she because that's what the Chinese Lunar Calendar states that I'm having and I don't want to get my hopes up. Also it said that Aria was to be a girl and it was correct) the little tiny bowling pin shape in the back circle up right. I was also able to see her heart beat so that was relieving. She's healthy!

Pain.

2006-09-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

I signed up to clean at the co-op preschool where Aria will be attending next week. I got the early shift on the first day of clean-up. I knew it was going to be alot of work but I didn't anticipated so much lifting. I lifted stuff almost throughout my 3 hours shift. I'm talking 6 ft. tables, folding tables, boxes, stacks and stacks of children's chairs. Then I had to kneel down and wash everyone of those chairs and tables. I was pooped by the end of my shift. I felt fine all day except for a little back pain. But when evening rolled around, the pain got worst. By 9 PM, I had pain in my groin area. It freaked me out. I had to lie down on the couch for a while and then I would get all these notions of an impending miscarriage in my head. I don't know why I did so much lifting. I guess I want to prove that I was still strong and able. Well, I was hating myself while I was on the couch. A. told me to take a shower to maybe help relief the pain. It helped a little. I went and lied down in bed afterward. I kept on checking to see if there was any bleeding before I drifted to sleep. Well, this morning I'm feeling alot better. The pain in the groin area is gone. I still have a slight back pain though. Thankfully, I'm seeing a new OBGYN today and I'll get alot of questions and fears answered. Later, I'm off for food.

Retraction

2006-09-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know what happened but my morning sickness has dicipated. I'm only getting very mild discomfort. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing because I'm getting all these ideas in my head the pregnancy is not going well and I might miscarry. Yes, I'm a worry-wart. I think I'll feel better after seeing my doctor tomorrow. I'll be my first time meeting her. She came recommended by a friend. Wish me luck.

Barf.

2006-09-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

Let me interject that morning sickness is kicking my ass. It started to hit me last week and I'm not ready for it. For the life of me I can't recall how I dealt with it the first time around when I was pregnant with Aria. I feel like this pregnancy thing is all new to me. I think I'm going to hurl so I can feel better. Later.

Secret...revealed.

2006-09-03T09:31:00.001-07:00

Psss...I got a secret....

Yipe, I'm pregnant. Not alot of people know about it except for you, my sis, and a few friends. I just don't want everyone to know just yet because I'm only 5 weeks preggie and if something bad happens (god forbid), I don't want to be bombarded with sympathy calls, etc. I'm very excited so that's why I'm blogging about it.
I've always wanted a sibling for Aria. I don't want her to be the only child. Personally, I think being the only child in a family sucks. I can see her getting lonely, not having someone to play with. I think having a sibling will allow Aria to be more caring and nurturing. She'll learn to give and take on responsiblities that an only child will never deal with. So 'Yeah!' for Aria and 'Yeah' for me.
I loved being preggie the first time around. Everything went smoothly even the labor. The only bad thing that I didn't like is the morning sickness. I can't tell if I'm in the thick of it just yet because silly me, I've blocked out what morning sickness from the last time was like. I'm getting gassy from eating and I feel 'blah', so I think that's part of morning sickness.
I'm such a dork. It feels like I'm preggie for the first time almost.
I actually found out I was pregnant while I was in Sactown, on vacation. My period was late and my sister happen to have an extra EPT test laying around. I took it and shock of all shocks, I'm preggie. I was a little shocked considering the fact that this preganacy was unplanned. Boy, A.'s little guys must be powerful.